


Games of love and loneliness

by supersocialshark



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Beware, Falling In Love, Floor Sex, Fluff, M/M, Minor Character Death, Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society) Lives, Self-Indulgent, Super much angst, loosely based on a swedish novel, some smut, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 17:55:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19361791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supersocialshark/pseuds/supersocialshark
Summary: This could have happened if Neil had lived. It probably wouldn't have. But it could have.What if Neil wasn't as impulsive as in the movie? What if Todd was a lot more impulsive than he was in the movie? What if they were separated and then reunited?A story abut love, loneliness, passion and dreams.





	1. The serious game

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> I'm not very experienced when it comes to fanfiction, but here I am and please don't hate me. 
> 
> This is very loosely based on one of my favorite books, a Swedish novel by Hjalmar Söderberg. It was impossible for me not to make it into Anderperry.
> 
> Oh and speaking of Swedish, I'm not a native English speaker so some of you might struggle to get through some of the most *creative* sentences, but I do think it's intelligible. And if it's not, well that doesn't matter because this will be an angsty ride. Sorry. 
> 
> I promise the later chapters will be more eventful. Enjoy!

Todd was used to being alone.

It had always been that way. His parents were too preoccupied with Jeffery to have much time for their youngest, and Jeffery, well he was too preoccupied with himself to care for his brother.

Todd had never been good at making friends, never been able to make himself seem interesting enough to get people to stick around. For that reason, he started his new life at Welton Academy in expectation of continued loneliness, as the curiosity about Jeffery Anderson’s little brother had stilled, when also the people of Welton had realized that Jeffery’s shoes weren’t his to fill. 

But this time around, things didn’t go as expected.

It all started with Todd sharing a room with Neil Perry, his antithesis. From the beginning, Todd admired Neil’s stubbornness, his apparent decision to drill his way through Todd’s shell and take part of what could possibly be found inside. 

Todd never understood why Neil bothered. Maybe that was the reason he succeeded in his repeated attempts at making Todd’s shell crackle. 

 

 

It was an odd year, Todd’s first year at Welton. Mainly it was because of Mr. Keating, who encouraged them to seize the day and make whatever they wanted of their lives. The ones taking this to heart were Welton’s inarguably most gifted clique, the ones who had succumbed to the pressure put upon them and in vain had been looking for relief. Among them was Neil. Neil had pushed himself to the limit, only to achieve what his father expected. After being told to make his life extraordinary, he found freedom in Puck. And for the first time in his life, he fell in love. 

 

 

For as long as he could remember, Todd had been writing poems. Before Welton, they had been endless, nightmarish things about loneliness, fear and crushed expectations. This year, they were short and vigorous, about fairies, high cheekbones and the world’s kindest eyes - each syllable vibrant with love.

Todd was in love.

He lived for Neil, and never questioned himself doing so. Their love was the most beautiful thing in the world, and it filled Todd’s chest with the same sunshine that shone from Neil’s eyes every time he came back from his rehearsals. It made him so happy he even managed to avoid thinking about the future.

It was obvious Neil wasn’t thinking about the future either. He was on cloud nine with his Todd and hid Midsummer night’s dream. And it made reality a lot harsher when he was finally forced to face it.

 

 

Todd had been visiting Meeks and Pitts in their room while Neil was at Henley Hall - he had been glancing at his watch every other minute, eager for Neil to come back. He didn’t want to go back to their room too early, risking the sinking disappointment of finding it empty. When the time was in, he was out the door before Meeks or Pitts had the chance to say anything - Todd presumed he hadn’t been much fun for company anyway.

With light steps, he waltzed back to his dorm - and jumped at the sudden sound of knuckles meeting wood. He stopped with his hand on the knob, not being certain of where the sound had come from. Listening intently, he could feel his pulse quicken as the sound of Neil’s sobs reached his ears. His heart clenching painfully, he hurried inside, discovering Neil by his desk with his head in his hands.

Neil crying was an uncommon occurrence. Todd knew of no one better at keeping up appearances. Usually, Todd was the one crying, Neil the one comforting. This time however, it was Todd who hurried to Neil’s side to kiss him and tell him soothing nothings, it was Neil who made Todd’s shirt damp with tears. 

Gently, Todd stroked Neil’s hair and kissed his tears away until the latter was composed enough to feel ashamed, until he hid his face in his arms and carefully rubbed his eyes. It wasn’t until then Todd could ask:

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

He had been prepared to coax the answer out of Neil, believing he would be unwilling to share. But Neil was a man of many surprises.

“My dad… he was here just now.”

Instinctively, Todd looked around as though expecting to see Mr. Perry lurking in a corner. From his first day at Welton Academy, Todd had been afraid of Neil’s father. But it was nothing compared to what Neil was.

“He’d heard about the play. Forced me to opt out.”

Not knowing what to say, Todd sat himself on Neil’s lap, tilting his forehead towards his boyfriend’s. They sat silently for a while, until Neil gathered all his strength and pressed an impressive snort through his nose.

“What was I expecting? That he’d abandon the dreams he’d applied to me because of a school play? What’s the point of dreaming anyway?”

He let his head fall heavily onto Todd’s shoulder, and his sobs made Todd grab his shirt, grab it and cling to it like a drowning man to a life buoy.

“Don’t say that- you can’t say that. You’re going to be an actor. No other profession deserves you.”

He fell silent as he felt Neil’s lips on his cheek. 

“He leaves for Chicago in the morning. I can be Puck without him knowing about it. It’ll be both the beginning and the end.”

Todd loved him so much he was worried he’d break.

 

Even though no one else did, Todd realized the danger. Even Charlie, the otherwise most familiar with Neil’s family, shrugged when he noticed Mr. Perry, he laughed lightly when the car disappeared around the corner, and unconcerned suggested a walk back home. 

Maybe Todd could make himself believe that Mr. Perry had been moved by his son’s performance to the extent that he brought him home to give him his blessing, proclaim that he never again would suggest Neil become a doctor. Because Neil’s performance could only leave a heart of stone unaffected.

But, of course, Todd knew. Knew that a heart made of stone had just left with Puck.

Todd went home and to bed. It seemed to him the most righteous thing to do.

 

At dawn, he woke up by someone rummaging right next to him. Slowly and still half asleep, he opened his eyes. The one rummaging was Neil, who seemed to be in the middle of refurnishing their room. To Todd’s sleepy brain, he appeared to be remaking his bed and rearranging the clothes in his wardrobe at the same time. He was dressed in a heavy coat, dripping of melting snow. It was clear to Todd he had just come back. 

All of a sudden, Todd was wide awake. He sat up to take a closer look at his boyfriend. His mouth was clamped shut, and his hands were shaking violently. Around him, on the bed, on the floor, in front of the wardrobe, half-full bags were strewn. He was in the middle of packing. 

No. No please no anything just not this please let it not be what I think it is.

“Neil, what are you doing?”

“Military school. The prize you have to pay to have your own dreams.”

It’s strange, how unreal everything seems the second after receiving shocking news. It appeared to Todd he didn’t know who Neil was, only vaguely recognized him, like one of the faces from the photos of the school’s old soccer teams, a face Todd had seen hundreds of times but never would be able to identify.

When the initial shock had passed, it struck Todd that everything was slipping away from him. The key to his new life was Neil. If Neil was taken away from him, he might as well go back to being Jeffery Anderson’s worthless little brother, a mediocre gray mouse who’d be forgotten as soon as you took his eyes off him.

Neil wasn’t even looking at him, but his silence must have spoken louder than words, because Neil took a deep breath and said:

“You know I have no choice. It’s for the best, giving in. I’ll endure military school and then I’ll… study to become a doctor.”

Everyone who knew Todd also knew he was cautious and guarded. But his defense mechanisms worked just as well as everyone else’s. When something hurt as badly as this, he must react in some kind of way to relieve the pain. His body and brain reacting through anger wasn’t anything he ever felt guilty about. 

“You… you kept telling me Mr. Keating’s words meant nothing to me, that ‘carpe diem’ was wasted on me. And look at you now! Following your dad like some little lap dog…”

“You’re right. I’m not meant to seize the day. You continue, you and Nuwanda and Knox, but I should’ve never gotten myself into it.”

Terrified, Todd could feel himself tearing up. He wasn’t sad, he was angry. Angry - or was he? One half of him wanted to take Neil into his arms, let him cry on his shoulder, let him forget about the world for a while. The other half was ready to give in to the pain, a pain so intense he suspected something might have broken inside of him for real. But he had to remain angry, for the both of them. He had to play his last card. 

“Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?”

For a moment Neil was caught off guard, and looked as though he wanted to pull the collar of his coat over his head and scream.

Though it didn’t take long for him to come back to his senses. Still not looking at Todd, he closed the suitcase in front of him and said with his softest voice:

“I thought it would be the best for you.”

And just like that, Todd suddenly felt endlessly tired of always being the one with self control, the hesitative one. Without thinking twice, he left his bed and crossed to room, grabbing Neil by the arms. 

“Is he out there? Waiting for you?”

“No - he gave me an hour. It’s been fifteen minutes.”

Quietly, Todd crept closer, pulling at Neil’s wet coat until his boyfriend caught up and let it slide to the floor. Meanwhile Todd started unbuttoning his shirt while hungrily seeking his mouth. Suddenly packing seemed oddly unimportant to Neil, who enthusiastically answered the kiss and started fumbling with his pants. 

“No way”, Todd panted between kisses. He shoved his lover toward the bed - which was stripped of sheets - and as they collided with it he impatiently pulled down Neil’s pants. “No way I’m letting you leave me without a proper goodbye.”


	2. Cries and whispers

Years passed.

Neil was never in touch with his old friends from Welton, as was expected. His father had an iron grip of him that he wouldn’t loosen until the blessed day on which he drew his last breath.

The Society scattered across the country. Todd made his parents sorely disappointed by moving to New York to become a poet. He couldn’t bear the thought of Mr. Keating’s reaction were he ever to find out that none of his old favorite students would seize the day or make their lives extraordinary. And since Neil never got the chance, Todd was certainly taking his.

He wasn’t sure what he had expected. That his new life would bring immediate success, that the sun would be shining from a blue sky each and every day?

He could hardly breathe in Neil’s absence. 

Todd’s body had begun shaking. He wrote in a letter to his parents:

Please excuse my handwriting being practically unreadable, I must hold the pen with both hands to be able to write.

He was a poet, but he couldn’t stop shaking. 

 

Winter 1969.

To make ends meet, Todd worked as an editor at a well-known newspaper. He used the nights for writing poems - not that he anymore even hoped to be published, but because editing articles and bulletins wasn’t enough of a stimulus. Apparently, the editor in chief had that same opinion, at least it seemed so when he asked Todd to become his stand in theater critic. 

At first, Todd wildly objected, self-deprecating as always. He knew nothing of theater, wasn’t qualified, couldn’t write, didn’t have the time. Slightly panic-stricken, he found his employer wouldn’t hear any of it. According to him, nothing could be simpler than reviewing plays and operas, and besides, he held a suspicion the regular critic knew nothing of theater either. When informed about the raise in pay, Todd capitulated. The same evening, he walked the short distance to the theater.

By some sick irony of fate, his first production to review was A Midsummer Night’s Dream. If he hadn’t been somewhat desperate for that raise, he would’ve left as soon as he laid eyes on the poster, but being reasonable, he stayed put.

He couldn’t help but wonder if Puck would’ve annoyed him this much if it wasn’t for Neil. This Puck was too loud, too clumsy, too… hysterical. Neil’s graceful, celestial interpretation couldn’t be traced in this too-old, too-human actor who tried too hard. 

With an impatient sigh, he let his eyes roam over the audience in front of him, finally resting on the person sitting two chairs to the left of the man in front of him. The person was leaning forward, and Todd wished he could see their face. Something was familiar about the back of their neck. Discreetly, Todd leaned to the left in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the familiar person’s face. At the same time, the person abruptly leaned back in his seat, noticing Todd’s stare; their eyes met. 

It was Neil.

 

Todd watched him furtively. God, he was beautiful! He had changed in a way he couldn’t explain… He was the same and yet someone else. He seemed more beautiful than ever, but beautiful in a dangerous and fatal way. Their eye contact lasted only a few seconds before the play caught Neil’s attention. 

During intermission the hall turned empty, empty with the exception of two men.

Their hands searched and found each other. 

For some time, they sat in silence. It was Neil who broke it:

“Are you happy?”

Todd remained silent for a while, contemplating the loneliness, the sadness, the emptiness of his life. The cold. The shaking.

“No one in the world is happy”, he answered at last, “but we have to try to live as best we can.”

Neil didn’t answer at once. Only studied him, his expression unreadable.

“I guess you’re right.”

Nothing else was said until the bell rang, announcing the second act was about to begin. As the audience returned into the hall and to their seats, Neil spoke again, even more hushed this time. Todd could barely make out the whispered address. 

“The day after tomorrow. Three o’clock. If you want.”

Todd’s eyes fell on his left ring finger. He was married. 

 

He probably just wanted to talk. 

Don’t get your hopes up, Todd told himself, he’s married.

And still his heart was beating somewhere around his Adam’s apple when he rang the doorbell. He was still in love. 

Neil’s home was clean and impersonal, not at all what Todd had imagined. The drank coffee at a polished table, studied each other and filled in gaps. Nothing was said about Welton. 

Neil had finished his medicine studies six months ago, at last obtaining the title that had been decided for him before he was born. He was married to Patricia, who was also doctor, and whom Todd had caught a glimpse of last night. Her hair was auburn and she undoubtedly was an ethereal beauty as well.

Todd could tell there was something Neil wasn’t telling him. Up until they started talking about his wife, he had been warm and quick-witted, even when talking about his job. But something about his marriage was apparently difficult to confess to Todd, judging by how brusque and stiff he became when Todd tried to find out more about his family. 

Once upon a time, Neil had told him everything. Even though they hadn’t met in a decade and Todd had told himself not to get his hopes up, it hurt unspeakably to see Neil avoid his eyes, clearly hiding something from him. Todd had never been one to handle disappointment very well, and he fell silent as well, quietly drinking his coffee, blinking at the stinging sensation in his eyes. Whatever you do, don’t start crying.

Somehow he willed the tears away, but Neil evidently noticed them, because without any of them saying anything, he suddenly closed his eyes, took a deep breath and spoke at last. Todd had dreaded what it was that tormented him, but he did want to know. At least he thought he did until Neil finally told him. 

“I have a daughter. Six months old.”

Clumsily, Todd reached for the coffee, taking a large gulp. His mouth felt dry.

“Dad didn’t like the idea of me starting a family before I completed my studies, but mum longed for grandchildren, Pattie’s parents as well. He would’ve wanted me to marry her anyway. I’ve only done what’s expected of me.”

Todd idly wondered why he chose to defend himself in that manner in front of his ex boyfriend. As though Todd would object to him settling down while being only a student instead of objecting to the obvious - that he had settled down with someone else than him. Neil’s speech made him feel something he hadn’t felt in years; anger. And anger made him bold. 

“Do you love your wife?”

“Yes, I do.”

He hadn’t expected any other answer, and still he felt his chest fill with jealousy as well as misplaced nostalgia and love. It must have showed on his face, because Neil smiled kindly at him.

“Not like that. Our parents wanted us to get married so we did. We’re friends. We love each other as friends.”

All this new information made Todd’s head spin, but amidst it all he could feel how much of the worry and sadness he’d felt over the past decade seeped out of him and made him impossibly light. 

Neil smiled mischievously, and Todd wondered why he had thought Neil had changed. Those gleaming eyes were just the same.

“I read your review. Was he really that terrible?”

Todd blinked, uncomprehending.

“Puck”, Neil clarified, “you showed him no mercy.”

“You know who I compared him with.”

Suddenly Neil’s smile became strained and his whole body tensed.

“I couldn’t resist watching it, out of nostalgia I guess. It was a mistake. I shouldn’t have reminded myself of that pathetic whim.”

For a moment, Todd was torn between his will to kiss him and punch him in the face.

“Don’t describe it like that. You know that’s not what it was.”

“I know. But things have turned out for the best. I have to pretend so anyway.”

Neil’s fingers were clutching his cup, absentmindedly playing with the ear. Carefully, hesitantly, Todd reached out and took his hand.

“I wish things could be like they used to be.”

Later, none of them would remember who initiated the kiss. But there was a kiss, a kiss full of pain and longing, a kiss during which Todd pretended he couldn’t feel the taste of somebody else in Neil’s mouth. 

As they broke the kiss, they were both panting, no longer aware they were sitting by the table which Neil’s wife and daughter would come home to.

“I’ve missed you.”

Todd wasn’t sure whether it was Neil or himself who spoke the words that up until now had remained unexpressed, but he was certain it was Neil who uttered the next, even more awaited, word:

“Bedroom.”

And suddenly, they had risen out of their chairs, stumbled into each other’s arms, and like one single clumsy man made their way into a spacious bedroom and onto a double bed without a wrinkle. 

Neil’s body was still familiar to him, he observed as he kissed his clavicles, rubbed his palm over his flat stomach, straddled his hips. 

“I could barely breathe without you, Neil. These past years, it’s like I’ve been slowly fading away.”

Todd couldn’t stop panting as Neil pressed kisses to his temples and whispered:

“It’s been so hard, so hard to live without you.”

One of them, perhaps both of them, whimpered, and Todd closed his eyes. Neil was so close. So warm. It was all familiar and perfect.

 

Earlier on, Todd had thought Neil’s apartment was impersonal, but the same couldn’t be said about the bedroom, probably because this was the only room to which no one but the residents was permitted entry. The walls were cluttered with photographs, posters, post-its and… Todd squinted. High up on the farthest wall, a small drawing had been put up with thumbtacks. It was a landscape drawn with pencil - an autumnal, flat landmass with willows stripped of their leaves, a heavy sky with low drifting clouds and a flock of birds…

“Did you draw that?”

Neil opened one eye and closed it again once he’d figured out what Todd was talking about, buried his nose in Todd’s hair.

“Hmm”, he mumbled affirmatively.

“It’s pretty.”

“You can have it.”

Todd’s heart skipped a beat, not for the first time today.

“I’d like that. I’ve got nothing on the walls where I live. Just a map.”

This time Neil opened both eyes, looked at him with interest.

“A world map?”

“No. Only of Vermont.”

A few minutes passed before Neil answered:

“I’ve missed Vermont. And I’ve missed you.”

He kissed him before Todd got the chance to tell him he loved him.

 

Before he left, Todd took the drawing from the wall. Neil smiled as he caught sight of it in his hand by the door, and Todd leaned forward to give that beloved smile a kiss.

“I work a lot”, Neil mumbled.

“I don’t.”

“I’ll call you whenever I’ve got time off, I promise. I can’t live any longer without you.”

The streets were slippery. Todd could slide all the way home. It was snowing again. It was beautiful.

When he got home, he studied Neil’s drawing more closely. Turned it over. Something was written on the backside, in pencil as well.

Out, I want out

Nothing else. Nothing more.

Todd stood in the hallway with the small sheet of paper in his hand and pondered. What had he meant by that? Was he planning a trip?

He had told Neil he wanted the drawing for his near-empty walls. But he put it in his wallet. 

 

“Are you staying this time?”

It was weeks later, at Todd’s place this time. Somehow, he was more comfortable with seeing Neil at the apartment he shared with Patricia. His own apartment, he was almost ashamed of. A studio. A single bed. Rowdy neighbours. He couldn’t help but feel insecure. Neil didn’t fit in here. 

“Am I staying this time?”

“Yeah, well… you’re not leaving this time are you?” 

Neil, who was sitting in the armchair by the window, watching the view, turned his head and looked as Todd as though he’d never seen him before. 

“Are you out of your mind? I just got you back.”

Todd let out a shaky breath. He smiled sweetly at Neil, who beamed back at him. The blonde hadn’t seen him smile like that since rehearsals at Henley Hall. 

They hadn’t talked more about acting. Not much about military school either. All in all, Neil seemed satisfied with the life he was currently leading, and if it was enough for him, it was enough for Todd.

Outside, it kept getting darker. The street lights shone faintly throughout the city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neil being good at drawing is a cherished head canon of mine


	3. Out, I want out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's like a two hundred words long attempt at a sex scene in here. It's easy to skip.

“I’ve met someone. Someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Todd was on the phone with Charlie, who was currently living in Washington. The two had remained in touch, though mostly through phone and letters; Todd counted three years since they last met. Nevertheless, Charlie was his most trusted friend, always a phone call away. He had looked forward to confiding in him.

“Todd, are you telling me you’ve gone and fallen for some priggish New Yorker?”

“Well, no.”

“Then who…”

“It’s Neil.”

The short, flabbergasted silence that followed was expected, as was the loud guffaw at the other end of the line.

“Are you going to tell me it’s a bad idea?”

“God, no. You can trust me, Todd.”

Sometimes Todd wondered why he, in the early days of their friendship, had thought Charlie was an exhausting acquaintance. He knew of no one as supportive as him. He knew he could trust him. 

“And what about you? How’s Washington treating you?”

“I’m just fine, Todd. You don’t have to worry about me, you know that.”

Truer words had never been spoken. There was never any need to worry about Charlie; he was made of bakelite.

 

Neil and Todd remained a couple, and very much in love. For years, they stuck together,  
spending most of their free time in each other’s company.

Summer was their favorite time of year; they synchronized their holidays as best they could, and traveled together. Neil’s daughter was left in custody of her grandparents, and his wife spent her summers on her own. As for Todd, well he could devote his time to Neil with good conscience, since he was fairly certain his parents were fully content with only Jeffery to keep them company.

One year, they went to Vermont, losing themselves in memories, happy and sad alike. They walked side by side on sun-lit streets, never worrying about anyone recognizing them and passing on the gossip. They slept together in comfortable hotel beds, not even thinking about neighbours who might hear them. They sat together in the moonlight, watching its reflection in the other’s eyes, fully aware that they were alone in the world and didn’t need anybody else.

Until one day, when Neil’s mother left a message saying his father had fallen ill. Todd couldn’t bring himself to think of it as bad news, and he was concerned to see Neil was worried. 

"It must be serious. Otherwise she wouldn’t bother contacting me.”

The wrinkles of distress on his forehead were the most troubling part to Todd. He knew for a fact Neil hated his father. But it seemed to him he was too bound by expectations, norms and the idea of nuclear family to really let go.

“So you’re- you’re going back? To visit your parents?”

“I suppose I must.”

He really should have seen it coming. Neil had always been fleeting. Always leaving, always temporary. But it didn’t stop the gut-wrenching sadness taking root in his body.

“Our summer. Our summer in Vermont, it- it can’t be over already.”

“I have no choice.”

“But you do! You do have a choice! You’ve done this before, giving up because of him. Don’t let him do this to you again.”

Up until now, Neil had refused to look at Todd, and when he at last looked up from the floor, Todd almost wished he had kept his eyes there. Had they ever looked so… sad? How was it possible for someone to look so sad?

“I’m not giving up. I’ll never give up on you. Never.”

They went back to New York. Five days later, Mr. Perry was dead.

 

If anything, Todd had thought Neil would want to spend even more time with him now that his father was gone. But bizarrely, he found that Neil worked more than ever, spent more time with his mother and preferred to stay home with his daughter when he got off work.

But they did stay together, and Todd’s small apartment became their shelter from the world. He didn’t very much like to live there, but Neil insisted it would be very cozy if only he furnished and decorated it somewhat more.

Once in the mid-seventies, after yet again having that exact conversation, something hidden in Todd’s memory decided to ring a bell. He did have something to decorate with. Something very small, but very personal. 

Neil’s eyes widened when he realized what it was Todd had found in an old wallet; a small drawing that had once sat on Neil’s own bedroom wall.

“You still have that?”

“It’s beautiful. The trees, the birds…”

He turned the small piece of paper over, read the words on the backside.

“Out, I want out. You still want that?”

Neil bit down on his bottom lip pensively, but then he laughed.

“I was so young when I made that.”

He gave no further explanation.

Todd didn’t ask for one.

 

“I’m thinking of making a trip.”

They were in Neil’s apartment this time. Neil sat bent over the windowsill, absentmindedly sketching something on a sheet of paper; Todd was sat on the couch, studying him fondly.

“Where to?”

“I was thinking Europe. We need to get away, both of us.”

Todd nodded happily, silently slipping into daydreams of him and Neil interrailing through Europe. 

“You don’t think she’s too young, do you?”

The pop from Todd’s figurative bubble when it burst was almost audible.

“She’s seven after all. I think Europe would be a good place for her.”

When Todd didn’t answer, he looked up from his drawing, tilting his head.

“You’re making a trip with Hermione? You’re leaving me? Again?”

Todd could feel his throat closing up. He closed his eyes, took a moment to compose himself, trying to calm his breathing. Trying not to make it sound like an accusation. Lately, he’d been tormented by the thought that he guilt-tripped Neil too often, blaming him for things he couldn’t help. Neil practically never deserved it. But Todd had been lonely for so long; he couldn’t help over-thinking, worrying, fearing Neil might leave him again. It didn’t take much for him to feel utterly abandoned and chronically lonesome, to feel betrayed.

Betrayed.

“It’s not like that, Todd, love. I’m not leaving you. I’ll be back again.”

“Yes, but when?”

Neil looked uneasy, making Todd immediately regret his whining, his demands, his clinginess. If only Neil would understand! But Neil had never been lonely, had never been the one left behind. Always the one leaving.

“I’m trying to be understanding, to be patient. But I have no family of my own. The only one that counts is you. And I’ll never understand the relationship between you and your daughter. I’ll always be jealous of her.”

If Todd had struck him across the face, Neil wouldn’t have looked more hurt or thunderstruck than he did now, Todd realized that and he understood it; he heard what he sounded like. Even so, all he had said was true. A decade ago, he’d had to share Neil with his father - that time Neil hadn’t wanted to be shared, had been Todd’s in heart and soul. This time, Neil belonged to the other part more than he belonged to Todd, and Todd wasn’t ready for that. Wasn’t willing to share the only thing he had ever had for himself. 

Neil laid the pencil aside, focusing fully on Todd. They couldn’t read each other’s faces.

“If that’s the way you reason- then it’s for the best if we go our separate ways.”

For years, Todd had held the belief that his heart had broken when Neil’s father took him away. Not beyond repair, but broken all the same. He hadn’t been able to imagine a pain greater than the one he had felt back then, had never felt anything that even came close either before or since.

Not until now.

 

Oftentimes, Todd imagined Neil in Europe; among the palmtrees of the French Riviera, pulsing through the snow in Sweden, or aboard a noisy train on the Trans-Siberian railway. Wherever he was, Todd hoped he felt good. 

Todd himself was currently on the subway, a place not entirely suited for someone as introverted as him, but he coped. He enjoyed studying the people among him, though sometimes he found that it was a dangerous way of occupying himself; from time to time, he stared so unabashedly the person in question, at best, berated or yelled at him. It was one of the dangers of being ignored for too long. Eventually, you’ll think you’re invisible. 

He found it safer to look out the window, at the people elbowing their way through the platforms. On this particular day, someone specific caught his attention. They moved fast without bumping into anyone, without looking around, with a goal; to get up and get out.

Almost before he had really registered who it was, Todd had risen from his seat and made his way out of the carriage.

He didn’t call out for him, only followed him through the blocks until he caught up with him just outside his house. Only then did he grab his arm and turn him around.

Neil didn’t look as surprised as he should have, making Todd wonder whether he’d heard him and understood who was following him. Maybe he’d been waiting, longing for this moment. At least it seemed like he had when he leaned forward and kissed him.

They stood in the snowfall, kissing, for what seemed like an eternity, but what might have been only a few seconds. When they broke apart, Neil only looked at him without showing any hint of what he might be thinking. But he had kissed him, and nothing could take that away from Todd, kissed him without scruples, just outside his building. Todd only just had time to think that he’d lay down in the snow and die if Neil would reject him now, when the brunette reached out for him, grabbed his arm and dragged him inside the building. 

Once inside, Todd was the one to slam the door shut, Todd who pushed Neil against the wall, Todd who tugged at their flies so carelessly it almost surprised him they didn’t get stuck the way flies did in situations like these. He mouthed at Neil’s neck, leaving marks and hickeys, kissed him greedily, felt something brutish grow inside of him at the same time as his heart swelled. 

He pulled Neil closer, taking a few steps backwards to get closer to the bed; unfortunately, this happened a bit too rapidly and violently for his balance to handle, and with a feeling of his dignity having left him, he fell to the floor, dragging Neil with him. The most reasonable thing to do in a situation like that would have been rising to one’s feet and relocating oneself to the bed. Reason however, was long gone, and all they did once landing on the floor was pant into each other’s mouths, both knowing a bed was unnecessary since they were already in a lying position. Suddenly they felt like they were in a hurry, and didn’t even take their clothes off, only pulling down each other’s pants.

Between Neil’s legs was perhaps Todd’s favorite place in the whole world, especially when moving in and out of him, earning moans and wails. Todd gripped his arms, fastened his pace, and let out a long groan at the sight of Neil writhing in ecstasy. 

Neil’s neighbours had escaped both of their memories as they slept together on the hard wooden planks that creaked underneath them. They reached climax at almost the same time.

They didn’t leave the floor immediately, not for what felt like a long time. For the first time in a long while, they were in each other’s arms, could feel the other’s body heat. His pulse. 

As Neil turned to look at him, he smiled for the first time, and Todd smiled back even though he could hear the alarm bells in the back of his mind as he registered pity in Neil’s eyes.

A few seconds passed. Todd lightly touched Neil’s swollen lips with his own, an allusion to a kiss. And then Neil spoke. The first words uttered between them for months.

“I haven’t changed my mind about Europe.”

 

He bought a ticket at the counter. When he received the small, fresh slip of paper that would take him to the first stage of his journey, he came to think of Neil. He wondered if he’d ever made it to Europe, or if Todd wold have to live that dream for the both of them. Even when his father was no longer around to put sticks in the wheel, Neil seemed to have trouble with getting things done. 

As the train started rolling, Todd felt in his pocket for the letter. It was there; the last letter Neil had sent him. A letter to say goodbye, the most heartbreaking and still the most beautiful letter Todd had ever received. The last few words in particular had made his chest tighten:

I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you.

Wonderful words, enchanting words, when whispered in the right moment to the one they concerned. Dirty words, shameless words, when spat in the moment of parting to the one leaving. 

Todd wondered what Neil would tell the next person to fall for his brown-eyed charm about his ex-boyfriend, about the shy boy he’d met when they were both seventeen and lost in their own respective dreams.

Perhaps he’d say, with his eyes lowered under those long eyelashes:

“I loved him once. But now, I can’t understand why I ever did.”

The train kept rolling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's an open ending guys. Open ending.


End file.
